I have to preface this entry with this: I just came from a Catholic Christmas party.
The Christmas party was fun. I enjoyed myself. Had a little bit to drink. I took my own white elephant gift home. I left alone. This doesn't disturb or annoy me. I went there knowing I would come straight home afterwards. But watching all of the couples go home, even the ones that had connected tonight, made me wonder when I would be part of a couple again.
I realize that this is becoming an old LJ entry but bear with me.
I am in the middle of a year long singleness. This is something self imposed. Even if a girl had asked me to go home with her(knowing that nothing would happen aside from further conversation), I would've said "no," and explained why.
I ended a sort of secret relationship in July. The previous relationship (the one before the secret one) ended for distance reasons and ultimately was a good decision on my part.
Here is the story.
I graduated from college in May of 2006. I was dating a girl. I began dating her in September of that year. I also began formal formation for entry into the Roman Catholic Church that month (that decision had nothing to do with the girl). She was supportive of my conversion. We had a physical relationship, one that was not approved of by the Christian faith. I love my faith and struggled with the relationship, especially after my baptism. I was never up front with her about my struggle and allowed the physical aspect of the relationship to continue. I can remember a specific conversation that took place before my baptism in which I said, "I am not going to do this halfway." I was referring to my Catholicity. She got offended. She took the statement as a comparison to her Catholicity. Her response was, "So you think I'm doing it halfway?" This was not a judgement on her faith. It actually at the time was a veiled attempt to see if she would mind the change in the relationship. In the end, I moved to Texas after graduation and she moved to Poland. I am not very good over the phone. I can get jealous and my imagination runs with me. We often got into fights over silly stuff but they were emotionally draining. We held onto what we had until one fateful conversation. After I moved to Texas, I began attending the local church. Over a period of about three months I decided that I couldn't live in a way that wasn't in accordance with the churches teaching on sex. I told her this and she was upset. She was upset because I had made this decision without her. She said that she didn't know if she knew me anymore. She was worried that my other views had changed, like my political stances, she essentially called me a conservative christian. I don't blame her. I should've presented my quandaries long before that discussion and I could've presented them in a way that made her feel like more a part of the process. I ended that relationship while she was in a lot of personal strife. I am incredibly sorry for the pain I may have inflicted but I am not regretful. So that relationship was over.
[edit 12/17/2007 after reading this again. This is an over simplification of the end of this relationship. It also had a lot to do with my father's illness. I will write on that more someday.]
Not long after that I began a new relationship that made itself very physical very quickly. Again, I didn't express myself about the moral quandaries that were in my head. Finally, when I did it was too late. That discussion quickly heated up. I didn't want to be seen as the "Jesus Freak" and she didn't want to be seen as the "Pagan Heathen." Ultimately I think it ended for reasons far bigger than that.
The point is that here I am alone, now for almost 6 months. I am uncomfortable being single. I feel like every female friend I make is a possible mate. I find myself (and I hate that I do this) rating girls as possible mates. I meet a girl and I wonder if she's the one. I really do want to marry the next girl I date. Wouldn't that be wonderful? If it were that simple?
So this self imposed singleness ... I suppose if God dropped in my lap the perfect girl for me, I would be open to that, but I feel as though that is not the case at the present time. I met a couple of different girls tonight. All of which were wonderful, beautiful, and pleasant to talk to. None of which set off the spark. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't want to force it anymore.
All of the couples I met tonight were in their late twenties. Maybe I'm in for more than a year. I'm okay with that as long as it lasts until I die. I didn't even touch on the possibility of a calling to a holy order, but thats a distinct possibility as well.
God will let me know in his own time.
Much love,
B
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